What does this even mean?
To me it means trying your best continuously to make people happy, but not being anywhere close to that. It means feeling like what you say or do messes everything up and then you feel bad from days or nights on end. It means putting others before you, even though you know that’s never the best idea, because you have to be there for you.
To me it’s everything, but still feeling worthless and unworthy of people, but maybe that’s just me overthinking my actions or words. Whether this is true or not, I feel as if I’m doing everything wrong.
There are days when I feel at my most high in life, when I feel so happy and nothing can bring me down. Those days make me feel the most alive and as though I’m doing everything right.
Then there are the days where I feel as though what I’ve said to someone and how I didn’t mean it in a certain way, or things that I do, can mess up my whole day. I begin to feel this uneasiness and this emptiness inside of me that I keep in.
Here’s the thing, I don’t like to tell me what I’m feeling because I feel as though I’m bothering them or that what I’m experiencing is not worth the hassle or stress. Therefore I keep it in and try to handle things on my own. Whoever is reading this, which I doubt there won’t be many except the people who actually subscribe to this blog, I know you’re thinking that I should talk to people, and I wish it was that easy.
I’ve had a therapist who I talked to and even though she gave me the chance to be and say things, I never had the courage to tell people I want to the most. The source(s) of why I felt uneasy would never truly know and it bothered me because I wanted to fix the problem. How do you fix something when you have no desire to tell someone what’s wrong?
I know I’m still growing, learning, and adapting to the nature of life, but damn is this hard. I can be so happy some days and the next it all disappears into a void, but I try not to show it.
So to conclude this blog piece that I needed to write down, I’m still hopeful. Hopeful to see the day where I can be carefree, where I don’t analyze or take things so seriously and feel dumb in the end. I’m hopeful to see the day where I can be happy and let the happiness consume me rather than only allowing the feeling to enter at specific moments or short amounts of time.
Happiness. One word. Three syllables. Something I yearn for each and everyday.
Does one truly reach a level of happiness? I believe so, especially out in the world of possibilities. There will still be those days that try/may get you down, but you know how to pick yourself up.
I believe that happiness is out there. Sometimes it takes awhile.